The Monday Morning Hangover: Bad Beats, Rug Pulls, and Cringe

1. The "Prison Game": Pete Carroll Just Committed a Felony on Live TV

If you held a ticket on the Broncos (-8) yesterday, you are legally allowed to sue for emotional damages. You are also allowed to demand Pete Carroll be tried at The Hague.

In what is unequivocally the Bad Beat of the Century, the Raiders—trailing 24-14 with 4 seconds left—decided that trying to win the football game was so 2024. Instead, Pete Carroll, a man who presumably hates your bank account, trotted out the field goal unit.

Why? Nobody knows. To cut the lead to 7? To “build momentum” for the flight home? Or maybe, just maybe, because he knew the spread was 8.

Daniel Carlson drilled the 46-yarder as time expired. Final score: 24-17. The Raiders covered. The total (40.5) went over by a half-point. And somewhere in Las Vegas, a bookmaker just bought a new yacht named The Pete Carroll.

Dave Portnoy said it best: "Prison. Send them all to prison." He’s not wrong. If you need me, I’ll be staring at the ceiling fan wondering why I bet on sports.

2. India Love Pulled a "Kanye" at the Streamer Awards and It Was Physically Painful

We need to institute a nationwide ban on interrupting acceptance speeches. I don’t care if you’re Kanye West, and I certainly don't care if you're India Love.

Last night at the Streamer Awards, India decided that Adapt winning "Streamer of the Year" was simply incorrect. In a moment of cringe so potent it could power the Eastern Seaboard, she grabbed the mic to let the world know that "Raki deserved Breakout Streamer."

The crowd booed. Security escorted her out. Adapt looked confused. And the rest of us curled into a fetal position from second-hand embarrassment.

Here’s a pro tip: If you’re going to hijack a live broadcast to shout out your friend, at least make sure the mic doesn't get cut before you finish. 0/10 execution. Go sit in the corner.

3. Courtside King vs. Zach LaVine: The $150,000 Beef

There’s "rich," and then there’s "I pay $150,000 a year for courtside seats to watch the Kings" rich. Meet Devlin Carter, the Sacramento superfan who decided to get into a chirping match with Zach LaVine yesterday.

LaVine, who was probably just trying to do his job (which, admittedly, the Bulls make difficult), got into a heated exchange with Carter mid-game. Security stepped in, words were exchanged, and the internet exploded.

Look, if you pay $150k to sit on the wood, you’re allowed to yell. You’re basically an investor at that point. But maybe don't poke the guy who can dunk from the free-throw line? Just a thought.

4. The "Giggle" Token: A Rug Pull So Obvious Even CZ Had to Deny It

Welcome to the Crypto Casino, where the tokens are made up and your money disappears in 15 minutes!

Yesterday, a token called "GIGGLE" (linked to "Giggle Academy") pumped 118% in hours. The degens were frothing. "This is it," they said. "This is the one."

Narrator: It was not the one.

The price nuked shortly after, leaving buyers holding a bag of absolutely nothing. It got so bad that CZ himself had to come out and publicly tweet, "I have no connection to this token."

If you bought a coin named "Giggle" expecting financial freedom, I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. Actually, I have an NFT of a bridge. Bidding starts at 4 ETH.

5. Survivor Pool Massacre: The Saints March In (and Kill Everyone)

If you were still alive in your Survivor Pool, congratulations on your impending heart attack.

28 people—TWENTY-EIGHT—were eliminated from the Circa Survivor contest yesterday because they trusted the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-7.5) to beat the New Orleans Saints.

The Saints? The team starting a backup quarterback? The team that’s been clinically dead for weeks? Yes, them. They won 24-20.

Another 5 sickos got knocked out by the Browns losing to the Titans. If you picked the Browns in Week 14, you deserve what happened to you. But the Bucs? That’s just cruel. The pot is now thinner, the stakes are higher, and somewhere, Jameis Winston is laughing.

6. Jeff Kent Makes the Hall of Fame and Immediately Cries About It

Jeff Kent was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame yesterday. His reaction? He said he was "emotionally unstable."

Same, Jeff. Same.

But the real story isn't Kent getting in; it's Barry Bonds getting left out again. The voters looked at the greatest hitter who ever lived and said, "Nah, we'll take the guy who yelled at his teammates in the dugout instead."

Kent gets a plaque. Bonds gets to stay home. And baseball writers get to continue their streak of being the most self-righteous people on the planet. Congratulations to Jeff, but maybe save some tissues for the Giants fans who have to watch this charade every year.