The Daily Degenerate: Thursday, Jan 22

1. Abella Danger Apologizes for... Existing?

In today's edition of "The World Has Gone Soft," we have former adult film star Abella Danger issuing a public apology. Her crime? Being a Miami Hurricanes fan. That’s it. That’s the tweet.

During the National Championship game against Indiana, the ESPN cameras panned to Danger in the stands, looking visibly stressed as her team was getting boat-raced by the Hoosiers. Social media, naturally, did its thing—a mix of "Hey, I know her!" and pearl-clutching. Now, she’s released a statement saying she is "deeply sorry to anyone I offended with my attendance."

Since when do we need to apologize for attending a sporting event? Did she run onto the field? Did she pull a streak? No. She sat there and suffered through a blowout like the rest of the Canes faithful. If anything, Miami should be apologizing to her for that performance. We are officially in the strangest timeline when you have to issue a PR statement for simply occupying a seat.

2. Curt Cignetti Told You So (And He’s Drinking the Beer to Prove It)

If you haven't been paying attention to Indiana football, first of all, shame on you. Second of all, meet your new overlord: Curt Cignetti. Two years ago, he took over a program that was essentially a dormant cornfield. Today? They are National Champions after a 27-21 win over Miami.

Cignetti’s first press conference quote—"It’s pretty simple. I win. Google me."—is now etched in stone. The man didn't just rebuild a program; he turned Bloomington into a football mecca. And the best part? The "Hoosier Beer." After the semifinal win, he told the world he was going to crack open a cold one, but just one, because "at my age, if you drink two, you fall asleep."

This is the content we need. No coach-speak, no "we're just focusing on the process." Just a guy who wins games, drops one-liners, and probably fell asleep in a recliner with a half-drunk IPA and a National Championship trophy on his lap. Legend.

3. Josh Hart: Father of the Year / Worst Teammate of the Year

The New York Knicks are in a bit of a slump, but Josh Hart is still putting up triple-doubles in the "Content" category. On The Tonight Show last night, Hart broke down the viral clip of him handing his child to Mitchell Robinson during a timeout because he didn't want to sub back into a blowout game.

"I just threw my kid to the closest person. And it was Mitchell Robinson. Not my first choice," Hart told Fallon.

The visual of Mitchell Robinson—a man who blocks shots into the third row for a living—holding a human child with the confused look of someone trying to solve a quadratic equation is pure gold. Robinson looked like he was holding a live grenade. Hart, meanwhile, was just trying to avoid playing garbage time minutes. We’ve all been there at work—passing off a project to the new guy so you can clock out early. Josh Hart is truly a man of the people.

4. The Bad Beat: Caleb Williams, You Monster

If you bet the Rams -3.5 against the Bears, you need to call a hotline today. Seriously. Put the phone down and go for a walk.

The Situation: Rams lead 17-10. There are 18 seconds left. You are counting your money. You are already browsing Zillow for a vacation home. The Reality: Caleb Williams, running for his life, heaves a 50-yard Hail Mary to Cole Kmet. Touchdown. 17-17.

"Okay," you think. "Overtime. Rams are better. We get the ball, score a TD, and I still cover." Nope. Rams win in OT... with a field goal. Final score: 20-17.

The Rams win the game. The Bears cover the spread. And you lost your mortgage payment because Caleb Williams decided to play hero ball for a team that lost anyway. This is why we gamble, folks. For the pain. It makes us feel alive. (Narrator: It does not make us feel alive. It makes us want to cry.)

5. The Cycle of Pain: Sean McDermott is Out

Death, taxes, and the Buffalo Bills losing a heartbreaker in the playoffs. It is the only constant in the universe. This time, it was a 33-30 overtime loss to the Broncos that sealed the deal. And finally, the Pegula family saw enough. Sean McDermott has been fired.

For Bills Mafia, this is a weird mix of relief and terror. On one hand, you can’t keep losing these close games. On the other hand, who’s next? Rex Ryan is already campaigning for Bill Belichick to take the job, which would be the most chaotic/amazing timeline possible.

But spare a thought for the Bills fans. They shoveled snow for this? They jumped through burning tables for this? To lose to a backup QB (more on that in a second) in overtime? The pit demands a sacrifice, and today, that sacrifice is McDermott’s job.

6. We Are Buying "MEMES" Now? Ideally, Yes.

In "Financial Advice You Should Absolutely Not Take" news, a cryptocurrency literally called MEMES surged 300% on the Binance Smart Chain yesterday, hitting a $13 million market cap.

Why? Nobody knows. Does it do anything? Absolutely not. Is there a whitepaper? I assume it’s just a picture of a Doge in a tuxedo. But in 2026, fundamentals are for losers. We trade on vibes.

Meanwhile, the "House of Doge" (which sounds like a reality show I would hate-watch) is launching a payment app called "Such." We are living in a simulation where a coin based on a joke about a dog is funding real-world commerce, and tokens named after literal internet ephemera are printing millionaires overnight. If you aren't throwing a few bucks at a coin called FARTCOIN or MEMES, are you even investing? (Disclaimer: Please do not actually invest your life savings in Fartcoin. Or do. I’m not your dad.)