Masterpieces of Garbage: The Art of the Tank & The Agony of Buffalo

1. The Tank Bowl Was An Absolute Masterpiece of Garbage

By: The Sickos Committee

If you voluntarily watched the Raiders vs. Giants game yesterday, I need you to look in the mirror and ask yourself if everything is okay at home. This wasn’t football; it was a cry for help televised on national airwaves.

We had the 2-13 Raiders facing the 3-13 Giants in what can only be described as the "Toilet Bowl" for the No. 1 overall pick. And boy, did the Raiders deliver a performance worthy of the top selection. Losing 34-10 to the Giants—a team that has actively been trying to lose for two months—is a level of tanking artistry we haven't seen since the Process Sixers.

Geno Smith, bless his heart, threw his 16th interception of the season, which was promptly returned 47 yards. The Raiders converted 3 of 13 third downs. They had more punts than meaningful drives. Meanwhile, Giants rookie Jaxson Dart ran for two touchdowns, looking like prime Michael Vick against a defense that appeared to be made entirely of traffic cones and indifference.

The Raiders are now 2-14. They have successfully secured the pole position for the draft, but at what cost? My eyes are still burning.

2. Bryce Young Attempted to Set the Sport of Football Back 50 Years

By: QB Guru

I’m not a mathematician, but I’m pretty sure averaging 2.25 yards per pass attempt is statistically harder to do than actually being good.

Bryce Young’s stat line against the Seahawks yesterday was a work of modern art, provided that art is a blank canvas titled "Incompetence." Young finished 14-of-24 for 54 yards. Fifty. Four. Yards. In a professional football game in the year of our Lord 2025.

The Panthers lost 27-10, but the score doesn’t even do justice to how unable they were to move the ball forward. There were drives where it felt like the forward pass had been legally outlawed by the state of Washington. At one point, Young threw an interception that was so underthrown it looked like a punt.

Panthers fans, I don't know what to tell you. You watched C.J. Stroud win a playoff game last year, and now you’re watching your guy throw for fewer yards than a punter nets on a bad day. Thoughts and prayers.

3. The Buffalo Bills Just Invented a New Way to Hurt You (Bad Beat Alert)

By: The Gambling Ghost

If you bet on the Buffalo Bills yesterday—whether it was the Spread (-1.5 or -3 depending on when you grabbed it) or the Moneyline—you are currently in a dark room listening to Marvin's Room on repeat. And you have every right to be.

The Bills lost to the Eagles 13-12 in a game that featured more field goals than touchdowns, but the ending was pure, uncut agony. Down one point with seconds left, the Bills scored to pull within one. Instead of kicking the PAT to tie it (boring, cowardly, smart), they went for the win. They went for two.

Josh Allen dropped back. He had Khalil Shakir wide open. I mean, "standing alone in a meadow picking flowers" open. And Allen... just missed him. Airmailed it. The ball sailed harmlessly away, and with it, the souls of every Bills bettor on the planet.

To lose outright as a favorite is one thing. To lose because your MVP-caliber quarterback missed a throw my high school JV backup could make is the kind of bad beat that makes you delete your sportsbook app until at least next Thursday.

4. LeBron James Is 40 Years Old and Still Dunking Like He’s 19

By: The King's Court

LeBron James turns 41 tomorrow. Most people turning 41 are celebrating if they can get out of a beanbag chair without making a noise. LeBron celebrated his last game as a 40-year-old by reverse dunking on the entire Sacramento Kings franchise.

The Lakers won 125-101, but the only thing that mattered was the highlight reel. In the second quarter, Bron caught a pass, drove the lane, double-clutched, and threw down a reverse jam that would have won the Dunk Contest in 1996.

It’s actually annoying at this point. "Father Time" is currently getting blown out by 30 points. The man is posting efficiency numbers that don't make sense for a guy who was drafted when Friends was still on the air. We are going to be watching a 50-year-old LeBron averaging 20 points a game for the Las Vegas Expansion Team, aren't we?

5. The Browns Are Garbage, But They're Petty Garbage

By: The Dawg Pound

The Cleveland Browns are not going to the playoffs. They aren't going anywhere but home. But yesterday, they decided that if they're going down, they're taking the Steelers' dignity with them.

In a gruesome, beautiful, 13-6 rock fight, the Browns stunned Pittsburgh and prevented them from clinching the AFC North (for now). But the best moment wasn't a play; it was the crowd. As the clock ticked down, the Factory of Sadness erupted into a deafening chant of "OVER-RATED! OVER-RATED!"

Is it petty? Yes. Is it all Browns fans have left to hold onto this season? Absolutely. There is something deeply spiritual about a 5-win team chanting "Overrated" at a playoff team. It’s the kind of hate that keeps the AFC North rivalry pure. Enjoy the flight home, Pittsburgh.

6. Derrick Henry Is Not Human: The 200-Yard Lambeau Leap

By: Big Truss

We need to talk about what happened on Saturday night because I’m still not convinced it wasn’t CGI. With Lamar Jackson out, everyone expected the Ravens to struggle against the Packers at Lambeau.

Enter Derrick Henry.

King Henry decided to put the entire city of Baltimore on his back, rushing 36 times (thirty-six!) for 216 yards and 4 touchdowns. He treated professional defenders like children who wandered onto the field by mistake. It was his seventh career 200-yard game, breaking the NFL record he previously shared with O.J. Simpson and Adrian Peterson.

The Packers knew he was running. The fans knew he was running. The concessions guy selling cheese curds knew he was running. And they still couldn't stop him. At this point, tackling Derrick Henry in December should qualify you for hazard pay.